Surrogate Family - Loved and Lost

I saw someone today I hadn't seen in some time.  Actually, I saw three someones, but only one of them said anything to me.

I've talked before on other blogs about a family that I knew when I was a Christian.  I was very close to them.  To me, they were a surrogate family.  I watched the way that they interacted with one another and wished that I had something like that.  In particular, I wished for the kind of father/daughter relationship that the father had with his daughter, who was a good friend of mine at the time.  And after some time of knowing them, they DID call me one of their "daughters".  They told me that I was one of them.

I've tried to parse my feelings on this over the years.  I've asked myself why I was so attached to them.  Did I have feelings that were in any way inappropriate?  I suppose it depends on your definition of inappropriate, but in a word, no.  They were my family.  At the most, I could say I had a "family crush" on them... I wanted to be close to them but didn't know how, I was worried that I was coming on too strong, too needy, too awkward.
At any rate, over time I started to feel like I didn't really know how or where I fit in there, and that maybe my feelings about being one of them were deeper than theirs of actually wanting me around.  I know that it sounds strange, but that's really how it felt, and I don't have another way of putting it.  My Dad wasn't there for me growing up.  He wasn't there for me as an ADULT.  Heck, in the time between then and now, my Dad, upon moving to the same town as me, has somehow managed to figure out how to be FURTHER away and LESS accessible than he was when he lived in Wisconsin.  My Mother and I were not terribly close, and I wasn't connected that well with my own family because of a variety of things... and so this family was my family, their Mother my Mother, their Father my Father, their brother and sister my brother and sister... but never having much self-confidence anyway (and being that I felt like most of my own family really didn't want me around at all), I never felt completely assured that they DID care that much for me, that they DID love me like one of their own, and that they DID want me around.  And sadly, it's not something I ever really knew how to talk to them about.


I made a couple of decisions, that seemed simple and somehow weren't.  I switched churches, for one.   I think that they thought I should have stayed at the one I was at in the first place.  For another, I started dating someone, and I think that they thought I should stay single for a while (they had issues with dating. Long story.)

I didn't hear from them for a long time.  I heard from a friend that they hadn't agreed with some life decisions that I'd made and weren't talking to me.  Eventually, I called them up.  At some point, I confronted them on what my friend had told me.  The Dad said he didn't remember ever saying that.  No one else had an answer.


I felt too weird about it, and he felt like I was too worked up about it.  I just wanted them to be straight with me, and I couldn't understand why they weren't.  I felt wronged by the idea that they'd stopped talking to me over decisions that were my own to make, but I couldn't explain why I'd not called them for so long.  I got upset and confused, I think that they just got confused, and we stopped talking to one another.

I was angry for a long time.   To me it felt like the word "family" had been thrown around and that it hadn't ever meant anything.  I felt hurt that they could quit talking to me and leave me out of their lives over things that seemed so petty and stupid and really, none of their business to judge in such a way.  I felt hurt and abandoned and frustrated because they couldn't even explain it to me.   And I let go and walked away, because I didn't know what else to do.

Today, when I saw three of them... Mom, Dad, and brother.  Mom and brother didn't talk to me.  Dad gave me a hug and shook hands with my fiance, Chris.  At the time I didn't really know what to think, because  honestly it was sorta sudden and when he got up from where he'd been sitting,  I didn't realize that he was coming over to do that.  When he did, I felt like crying and laughing at the same time.   I felt like he was saying, "Despite everything, I still care."  I had NO idea how to respond, but it was at that moment that I realized that at some point, when I wasn't paying attention, I'd stopped being angry with them.  I let it go.    I didn't feel that I could be close to them again, particularly when my life is so much different than it once was (and I think that part of me is just terribly uncomfortable knowing that they disapprove of so many things in my life, and that I disagree with the idea that those things are somehow wrong), but I wasn't angry anymore.

I wish that I could explain it but... there is this whole section of my life that is simply cut off to me.  It is, in a very real way, just not who I am anymore.  There are parts that I sometimes miss, and parts that remind me that I'm happier and more fulfilled now.  But even though I still love them and still would love to talk to them, I don't think they'd LIKE who I am now.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that person.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with them for that, mostly because I don't even know it for sure and that wouldn't be fair.  But it's a strange feeling, to be cut off from these people, and in an odd way feel like no one's really at fault for that.

I regret some things that I said and some ways that I lashed out, but I also remember feeling so frustrated and confused and lost that I didn't know what else to do.  I couldn't understand them, and I don't think that they could understand me.  But I understood that they had, at some point, decided that I was unacceptable, and that was what had hurt.  In this world where we really, genuinely, long for unconditional love in some form, I had realized that it didn't exist there, and for reasons that really felt like they weren't fair.

For who I really am.

I'm not that person anymore.  Perhaps, really, I never was.  I was someone who desperately wanted to become a woman who could be loved like a daughter like they loved their daughter.  But I wasn't their daughter. 

And I suppose the reason it was always so difficult to deal with, is that for a very, very long time... I've felt like I wasn't anyone's daughter.  No one WANTED me to be their daughter.  Especially not my own biological father.

But that isn't their fault.

And so I don't hate them.  And honestly, in a way, I still love them.  But I'm not that person anymore, the one that they took in and cared for and who tried so hard to be one of them (but, really, always kinda stunk at it.)  Maybe that makes me a person who can never be loved by them.  I have no idea.

We all want people to love us for who we are.  Some of us just aren't quite sure who that person is.  And there are people in the world who can walk with us down the road to figuring us out.  And there are people, who are terribly well meaning, who try to help us, and by doing so lead us in a direction that isn't really right for us.  And when we cannot follow them anymore, it's confusing and frustrating for everyone.  In those circumstances, I don't really have any idea what to do, except for to keep loving them.  Because being angry eventually fades away, and hatred eats at your insides, but (at the risk of sounding like a 60's group) somehow, loving people always feels like the right thing.


I'm sorry for some of the things that I said.  And a part of me will always be sorry that I didn't know myself well enough or have enough confidence to just be who I was, and see if maybe they could love me for that.  I was too afraid that they wouldn't.  Maybe I'll find out someday, and maybe I won't.  If I were to pursue the question I don't think I'd have any idea where to start, but you never know.

In the meantime, for better or worse, I love.  And not everyone loves back.  But those who do, are well worth it.

Perhaps that's the best kind of family a person could ask for.



Love,
Crys

Lookin' For Work (in all the wrong places?)

So I've been job hunting since the beginning of the month, and I haven't even really gotten an interview.  I've had meetings at temp agencies, but nothing concrete.  I've signed up with about five different temp agencies, I've been submitting resumes about everywhere I can think.. and now I'm asking for tips.

I haven't been making a lot of followup calls because half the resumes I've put in were to places that didn't list their phone numbers, and for some of them I'm just not sure if they want a callback or not.  I worry about fifty million people calling and them getting overwhelmed.  I HAVE been calling the temp agencies at least once a week...

I type almost 100 wpm and would love to do data entry or transcription, I DO NOT do sales, I REALLY want something that's days and no weekends, and... I'm starting to wonder if I really don't know quite how to look.

So... any tips?  Suggestions?  Offers to rip apart my resume?  Do's and Don't's as to cover letters?  Any and every idea welcome.

--Crystal

How it makes a person feel when you use their loss to discuss your views on the afterlife

Bad.  Awkward.  Annoyed.  Frustrated.

I wrote yesterday about the death of my son.  I prefer not to talk about "where I think he is now", because I don't KNOW.  As far as I know, when people die, nothing happens.  Some people think that spirits are roaming around on Earth and talking to people who are living.  I respect that.  I'm sure it's a possibility.  I have no idea if Weslee is hanging around with me.  His memory's with me, and to me that's enough.  Some people think that when people die they go to a place where we can't reach them and can't talk to them and they can't reach us and can't talk to us.  For some people that's comforting, but not to me.  To me that just seems cruel.  But if it floats your boat, then fine.

But don't assume that it's going to be comforting to me to say that.  It's not comforting.  If you haven't picked up that I don't, strictly speaking, believe in an afterlife filled with angels and a deity who's idea of a good time is keeping children from their parents... maybe I need to talk more about.  I don't believe in God.  Not the Christian God, at any rate.  If you would like to know why, feel free to ask.  If you want an explanation of my ideas and thoughts and beliefs, I can talk about that... but anytime I talk about it people decide to start battles and debates about it and try to push me into believing in the same thing that they do because they're convinced that the whole world should believe what they do because they believe in and love a God who is petty and jealous and angry and is willing to send people to a burning fiery afterlife but NOT willing to give concrete evidence of his existence.  And no, that's NOT the only reason I don't believe in him.  And I'm not MAD at him, because I don't think that he exists.

And I don't capitalize pronouns unless they're at the beginnings of sentences.

AND I shouldn't have to have this discussion the day after the five year anniversary of my only child's death.

So please don't use my son's death to proselytize.  Think of it as a respect thing.  BECAUSE IT IS.

Thanks.

--Crystal

Happy Birthday Baby

On February 18th, 2005 I gave birth to Weslee Brian Condes. It was not a good experience. I lost him. He would be five years old today.

My life is wonderful now, but it doesn't stop me from missing him. But today, I want to be a happy day. It's a mile-marker in my life, and a reminder of a very small someone who was once a major part of my life.

Happy birthday little feet. I love you.

Love,
Mom

From Downloads

Stir Crazy

So I've been off work for about two weeks now, and I'm starting to get a little stir-crazy. I've registered with temp agencies and been hunting on websites and haven't heard back from anyone yet. I'm starting to feel that itch that says, "Should you have left Comcast? Was it the right decision to go when you didn't have another prospect?"

I wish that I could have planned better. I wish maybe even that I'd seen my burnout coming before it hit me square in the forehead. But I also learned a bit from that position. I learned that I don't like doing sales (and I'm not very good at it), that the call-center sales position is simply not right for me, and that sometimes, very, VERY rarely, a crappy job isn't worth a steady paycheck and financial security.

But now I'm sick of being home. I want a job. I'm afraid of not finding one in enough time. I'm glad to be working at ChaCha, but I don't have a lot of faith that it's going to bring in enough to support Chris and I. I'm wondering if maybe I should try to pick up a couple of part time jobs in the meantime. I'm trying to figure out why I was so much more confident the LAST time I was job searching. But the bottom line?

This sucks.

I'm working hard at it (I just took a small break to write this), but it sucks. So hopefully I'll find something soon.

--Crystal

Who am I and what have I done with my life?

I've been feeling a little... out of sorts, lately. For one thing, I had a job and I left it. It wasn't a blithe decision, mind you; I was having anxiety attacks and kept freezing up at work. Talking to angry people on the phone, who were sometimes angry and RUDE/DISRESPECTFUL people (I understand being frustrated when something doesn't work or you're confused about your bill. I DON'T understand calling someone names when they're trying to HELP you, and treating them like they're STUPID when all they've done is be POLITE to you), coupled with pretty much being told that I was doing EVERYTHING wrong (essentially because I wasn't upselling enough) just hammered me way too hard.

But I learned something, too.

I have very little self-confidence.

I know that some of it is shot because of the nature of the work I was doing and the fact that, honestly, I don't really approve of my leaving it the way that I did. Trust me, if I'd felt like I really had a choice, I would have stuck around, but I was shutting down. The thing is, I've NEVER walked out of a job like that. And I don't ever want to do it AGAIN. I just know that the level of abuse was too much. Way, WAY too much. I can take angry people on the phone. And I can take constructive criticism from a boss. And I can even take BOTH. I just can't take both, with the constancy and intensity that I had it there.

But I know what to look for now, I know what questions to ask an interviewer, and I know what to avoid. The problem still remains, I don't have a job. We have some money in savings and I have been calling every temp agency I can find, as well as scouting vigilantly on Career Builder. If anyone has any other suggestions, I welcome them.

But in the meantime I'm brought face to face with my utter lack of confidence.

It's helped lately, oddly enough, to have people talk to me about things THEY were going through, just kindof asking for advice or a point of view. It's nice to be trusted with something like that... I feel better. I just still feel kinda beaten down right now. There are a couple of things in my life (won't go into it) that I'm NOT sure how to deal with, and more than that I feel like, I just keep hearing the voices of people who have put me down or kicked me in the face over the past few years. My brother, even (although they're being decent now) my parents to a degree. It's not that I'm still pissed... even at my brother. It's that words have an effect. When someone you trust says things about you, or TO you, that make you feel inadequate... you sorta keep feeling inadequate. When they question your ability to think clearly, or hold down a job, or reason things through... sometimes no matter how badly they're behaving, it registers. It sits there and makes you wonder, "AM I fucked up?"

So here I am, twenty-eight years old, without a job and not knowing where to find any encouragement. I know that I have a few skills to offer but sometimes it just seems like there are infinitely more failings. And all I can do is plug ahead, but I can't lie about the fact that I'm scared. Scared I won't find something before savings run out, scared that those voices are right... that I AM crazy and I AM an idiot and I DON'T know what I'm doing.

But I go on. Trudge forward and do the best I can. Because that's what I've got, and that's who I am. And if I make it through with my sanity intact... well, considering my background, maybe that'd be a hell of an achievement in itself. ;)

--Crystal

Today I Feel... Numb.

I think I've felt a little numb for a few days... every since I left my job. Why did I leave my job in this economy? What was I thinking? I've asked myself those questions too. My answer is that I was thinking, "I can't deal with this."

So, what now?

The truth is that I have no idea. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've been cleaning a little this weekend, because it needs to be done and because it helps me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Tomorrow the job hunt begins again, and that helps me feel like I'm accomplishing something as well. Otherwise?

I don't know. Guess I go forward. Try to deal with how I'm feeling, and remember how to enjoy the things in my life that I DO love.

Like blogging... which I haven't done in what feels like ages. Hello world!

--Crystal