Who am I and what have I done with my life?

I've been feeling a little... out of sorts, lately. For one thing, I had a job and I left it. It wasn't a blithe decision, mind you; I was having anxiety attacks and kept freezing up at work. Talking to angry people on the phone, who were sometimes angry and RUDE/DISRESPECTFUL people (I understand being frustrated when something doesn't work or you're confused about your bill. I DON'T understand calling someone names when they're trying to HELP you, and treating them like they're STUPID when all they've done is be POLITE to you), coupled with pretty much being told that I was doing EVERYTHING wrong (essentially because I wasn't upselling enough) just hammered me way too hard.

But I learned something, too.

I have very little self-confidence.

I know that some of it is shot because of the nature of the work I was doing and the fact that, honestly, I don't really approve of my leaving it the way that I did. Trust me, if I'd felt like I really had a choice, I would have stuck around, but I was shutting down. The thing is, I've NEVER walked out of a job like that. And I don't ever want to do it AGAIN. I just know that the level of abuse was too much. Way, WAY too much. I can take angry people on the phone. And I can take constructive criticism from a boss. And I can even take BOTH. I just can't take both, with the constancy and intensity that I had it there.

But I know what to look for now, I know what questions to ask an interviewer, and I know what to avoid. The problem still remains, I don't have a job. We have some money in savings and I have been calling every temp agency I can find, as well as scouting vigilantly on Career Builder. If anyone has any other suggestions, I welcome them.

But in the meantime I'm brought face to face with my utter lack of confidence.

It's helped lately, oddly enough, to have people talk to me about things THEY were going through, just kindof asking for advice or a point of view. It's nice to be trusted with something like that... I feel better. I just still feel kinda beaten down right now. There are a couple of things in my life (won't go into it) that I'm NOT sure how to deal with, and more than that I feel like, I just keep hearing the voices of people who have put me down or kicked me in the face over the past few years. My brother, even (although they're being decent now) my parents to a degree. It's not that I'm still pissed... even at my brother. It's that words have an effect. When someone you trust says things about you, or TO you, that make you feel inadequate... you sorta keep feeling inadequate. When they question your ability to think clearly, or hold down a job, or reason things through... sometimes no matter how badly they're behaving, it registers. It sits there and makes you wonder, "AM I fucked up?"

So here I am, twenty-eight years old, without a job and not knowing where to find any encouragement. I know that I have a few skills to offer but sometimes it just seems like there are infinitely more failings. And all I can do is plug ahead, but I can't lie about the fact that I'm scared. Scared I won't find something before savings run out, scared that those voices are right... that I AM crazy and I AM an idiot and I DON'T know what I'm doing.

But I go on. Trudge forward and do the best I can. Because that's what I've got, and that's who I am. And if I make it through with my sanity intact... well, considering my background, maybe that'd be a hell of an achievement in itself. ;)

--Crystal